Are you Inappropriate?

In the course of the travels throughout my life, I’ve come across quite a variety of collective social mindsets. Not only have I witnessed cultures completely foreign to most Americans, I’ve been exposed to some that are quite similar to the standard American principles and even subcultures within America itself. Wow. I put 3 “Americas” in that statement, which isn’t something I normally subscribe to. I’d like to think that I’m slightly more inclined to creative expression than resorting to repeating a word in triplicate, but there really isn’t any other way to say “American” without sounding pompous or ridiculous. I’m open to suggestions, though.

Stop trying to change the subject. The point is: Even within these cultures, there are generally very basic actions and responses to situations that are considered to be socially acceptable and appropriate. Granted, when dealing with a group of people with specific special interests, the definition of the appropriateness of an action will be tailored, but there are basically only two ways to interact with your fellow Homo sapiens and I shall categorize them as “Appropriate” and “Inappropriate.”

The following is a test devised mainly for the purpose of determining whether or not you would be able to behave in a manner that wouldn’t result in you being shunned by your peers and mocked in the street by orphan beggar children – the kind that like to throw rocks. I suppose it really wouldn’t matter on the grand scale of thing if the kids were actually orphans or not, but simply saying “beggar children” sounds rather crass. On a positive note, since you obviously live in a place that has computers with internet access, you aren’t likely to be harassed by any of the following: orphan children, beggar children or orphan beggar children. You MIGHT, however, be subject to encounter orphan beggars or even just plain beggars, especially while you wait for your traffic light to turn green.

In any case, answer the following multiple choice questions as honestly as you can and we’ll see if your situational adaptability, creativity and social skills are up to snuff.

Question #1

You are required to attend a weeklong session of schooling in order to maintain your position in your present choice of employment. It isn’t your favorite activity, but it will allow you to progress to a higher pay grade in addition to preventing your removal from your job. Unfortunately, you find yourself drifting off shortly after the instructor has left the room. Suddenly, you are awakened by the instructor’s return. In fact, he has come in through the secondary door, which just happens to be right behind your seat. He knows that you’ve been asleep. YOU know that he knows that you’ve been asleep. You decide to:

(A) Attempt to play it off by lifting your head ever so slightly and quietly intoning, “In your name I pray. Amen,” and proceed to open your eyes.

(B) Open your eyes, grab your pencil and start filling in an answer or two on your worksheet.

(C) Rub your face with one hand and make smacking sounds with your lips for about half a minute and then get out of your chair, look out the window and make an asinine comment about the number of vehicles in the parking lot.

Question #2

You have somehow survived irritating your instructor from Question #1 and it is the final day of your schooling. This is a perfect opportunity to:

(A) Miraculously present your completed assignments and inform the class that your poor performance was simply a gag and that you’ve been secretly doing your work on your own time.

(B) Show up on time, sit quietly and wait for the day to end.

(C) Not show up at all. In fact, the other students in the class begin a betting pool based on what hour you will appear, even though your hotel room (that the school is paying for you) is a mere 10 minutes away. About mid afternoon, the instructor becomes so concerned about your whereabouts and well-being that he actually telephones the hotel, finds out that you are still checked in and asks if the manager would be willing to knock on your door. When they receive no answer, they decide to contact their security and have them open the door only to find that you have the shades drawn and are dead asleep on the bed.

Question #3

You are no longer attending school. Based on your answers above, you might also find yourself no longer attending your job, but that’s irrelevant. It’s Friday night, the bar is full of people your age and you’ve had a few drinks. Suddenly you notice a person that you were somewhat familiar with in high school. She (you are a male) is sitting alone and you decide to strike up a conversation. She’s obviously had a number of drinks as well and seems amiable with your company. Alas! You simply must:

(A) Impress her by showing her the single most impressive card trick you know. You almost always have a preset deck of cards on your person whenever there is a chance that you will be attending a social function such as this.

(B) Engage in light conversation, perhaps reminiscing about your high school days.

(C) Attempt to light a match from a book of them using only one hand. This involves bending the match out of the book until the tip of it reaches the flint striking surface and snapping your fingers so that the match lights. Usually, it might just burn the pad of your thumb a bit, but since you are slightly intoxicated, you put too much strength into the motion and end up popping the still-igniting head off of the match, sending a blazing inferno directly into her lap.

Question #4

Your current job is quite simple: you are in charge of ordering, maintaining and inventorying a trailer full of tools. Generally, the only time you are disturbed is when someone requires a tool ordered, repaired, replaced, signed in or signed out. It’s hot outside most days and though you have an AC unit to help cool you off, things can get fairly boring during the course of a normal eight-hour day. The most appropriate way to pass the time is:

(A) Purchase any number of handheld electronic devices that provide entertainment, such as a DVD player, gaming system, CD player, iPod, etc.

(B) To keep in mind that you are at your place of employment and maintain a vigilance over your assigned dominion.

(C) Lock the only door to the trailer and not answer when your co-workers attempt to retrieve you for lunch break. They can see that you haven’t left already, because there is no padlock on the outside of the door. Repeated calling and knocking receives no response, so they become concerned and jimmy the door open. Inside, they discover that you had procured a canister of industrial-strength glue and had been apparently inhaling the fumes (inside a closed trailer) until they overcame your senses. While that is clearly an unfortunate situation, it becomes slightly more complicated by the fact that, when you did indeed pass out, you managed to knock over and spill the glue across your workstation, firmly bonding the right side of your face to the surface. It takes almost all lunch hour for your co-workers to free you from your predicament.

Now, let’s see how you did. If you answered (A) to any of the questions, give yourself 5 points. For each answer (B), score 3 points. Each (C) garners 1 point. Total them up and check against the ratings below.

For those of you who scored 18 to 20 points, beware! While not totally inappropriate, your creative responses to situations could actually backfire in some cases.

If you totaled from 15 to 17, you have a knack for reacting in socially acceptable ways that can smooth over even serious social gaffes.

Did you come up with something in the 10 to 14 point range? Congratulations, you’re normal. Maybe you’re a bit boring and predictable, but certainly within the acceptable parameters of your society.

Are your responses scoring you from 7 to 9 points? Hmmm. You might want to reflect on your behaviors, champ. You are a borderline social blunder posing as a human being.

Please tell me that you didn’t get 6 points or less. If so, then I’m afraid that “orphan beggar children” are too good for you. Have you ever been to a zoo and seen an animal in its very own cage? More than likely, that animal is unable to cope with the company of its peers. Unfortunately, that same service isn’t available to relieve us of your exceptionally dismal social skills.

Overall, this test isn’t meant to accurately judge your personality. The truth is, these are incidents that I’ve borne witness to that have stuck out in my mind as being good examples of poor choices, especially since the real life answers in all four cases were C. Whether or not I was directly involved in making any of those choices is an entirely different matter…one that I refuse to elaborate on.