Swabs of Death

In a fit of hyper-cleanliness, I tasked myself with the complete cleaning of two of my kids' straw cups. Normally, I run them through hot water and soap after each usage, which I once assumed killed off anything that my children might find objectionable. My sense of security regarding that matter has been demolished. I'm not saying it was "Man, I really demolished that plate of turkey leftovers" demolished. It's more like "and after that, it was dropped from an airplane tied to an M1 tank."

Let us view the culprits behind this filthy charade:


They appear to the mortal eye as fairly innocuous, don't they? Even when taken apart into their components, there is nothing to fear:


I spent about 20 minutes on these two cups, using only a touch of hot water when needed and a host of cotton swabs. The results were enough to ensure that I would quite staunchly refuse to drink from one of these contraptions unless it was either brand new or cleaned by yours truly.



Just in case your morbid sense of curiosity has not yet been satisfied, I did you the favor of selecting only the highest quality yuck-swabs and grouping them in one photograph. If these had been created as a by-product of ear cleaning...or in fact from the cleaning of ANY bodily orifice...I would have gone straight to a doctor and demanded an ear flushing/tooth cleaning/enema, etc.


One word: unappetizing. I'm not sure where this stuff came from, really. Is it garbage that I missed when cleaning them with my normal method that has built up? Is it leftover residue from my tap water that had taken up residence in the cups like a filthy family of cockroaches? Is my wife secretly trying to poison my children and drive me insane with disgust by injecting detritus into these drinking vessels?

In any case, these two cups are clean now. For now. I'll keep an eye out for any more buildup and make sure to eradicate it at first sight. In the meantime, I have to leave now and clean the other 465 cups we have in the cupboard, along with sanitizing my hands in a pool of hydrochloric acid. Good day!