Saturday, October 28, 2006

Name Calling

Parents can be so cruel. It seems that some folks are just genetically inclined to serve an “all you can eat and then some” banquet of humiliation to their kids and then pretend that its cute. I know a guy named Jacob Jacobs. Why would you do that? As a parent, you would think that you would want your kid to succeed in life and give him or her any possible advantage available. A good name can actually change someone’s first impression of you.

Think about it. Would you, as a man, be more inclined to go to a brand new band performance if the band was named “Overkill” instead of “Goody Gosh?” Not that “Goody Gosh” is a bad band, mind you. The lead singer’s name is Luger Stonecock, which kind of makes up for their band’s name. In fact, they should just change their name to “Stonecock” or some derivative of it. Without knowing about Luger, though, I’d be heading to an evening performance of “Overkill,” which proves my point.

Even if you have a cool name, your parents can easily bung it up by labeling you with a ridiculous nickname. I have proved myself to be no exception to the propensity towards this particular brand of sadism. My son’s name is Trevor Micah. Even without the surname, you have to agree that it’s a good name. If you don’t then you’re wrong. A recent governmental survey brought to you by The Letters “A” and “R” and The Number “6” showed that 98% of the people polled agreed that “Trevor Micah” was a formula for success. The other 2% were unable to respond due to illness, incarceration and, in one case, because the person in question was dead.

My daughter was completely uninterested in self-manufactured waste products. She trained for the toilet fairly early in life, but when in diapers she would do her business and then go about her day. Not so with my son. Trevor delights in working his Houdini-emulating skills to the effect of removing his diaper and then playing Mr. Wizard with whatever he finds therein. I once found him with a fist-sized ball of poo. We’re not talking Trevor’s fist, we talking Andre the Giant with elephantiasis of the hand size. He had broken parts of it off and managed to get it between his toes, leaving an Oregon Trail of feces across our front room carpet.

Stupefied by simultaneously being appallingly disgusted and incredulously exasperated (a state that only parents of a poop-infatuated child can comprehend), I blurted out, “AH! Yucky! You’re getting a bath, Mr. Turds.”

Like the clinging remnants of a fully digested dinner on my offspring’s foot, the name stuck. Even my wife has been caught quite unabashedly calling our son “Mr. Turds.” It has a certain ring to it, you see. Sure, it’s funny. Go ahead and laugh at Mr. Turds. I even like typing it, but now it’s his, you see. 14 years from now when I drop him off at his first school dance with his first date, imagine the horror he’ll feel when I say, “Cut a rug, Mr. Turds!” Not a very good situation for him, is it?

Okay, so I most likely won’t refer to him as that name in a few years or even months from now, but some names stick for life. We called Kenneth Smith “Ox” all through high school because when he fell down the stairs into the kitchen, his mother told him to “be careful, you great ox.” Of course, his older brother called him many other things, but “Ox” might as well have been Kenny’s legal name. Remind me to tell you about Kenny and the trumpet some day.

In any case, I’m sure you can see what I mean about labels. No one is going to eat a can of “Campbell’s Machine-Squared Farm Leftovers,” they’re going to eat “Chunky Soup.” So be nice to your kids (and others’ kids for that matter) and give them good names at birth and keep the nicknames fairly unobtrusive.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Rocket shoes?

Some of you may have seen this posted on my wife's blog when I replaced her for a day. I wanted to include it here, so here it is:

I have contemplated on the quadrality of leather sandals that cover a portion of the toes. While I'm not completely certain that quadrailty is supported by Webster's, I figured that "du-duality" sounds entirely like something that is not discussed in genteel company. In any case, what I want to say is that there are four sides to this discussion.

The primary observation is a positive one: leather sandals that cover a portion of the toes actually cover a portion of my toes. This, in my opinion, tends to be a deciding factor when I am choosing which sandals to purchase. Those leather sandals that do not cover a portion of the toes are usually left on the shelf in favor of a pair of sandals that do. Multiple factors attribute to this, in that I habitually find myself neglecting to make my toenails socially acceptable and the fact that I just don't like the way my toes look anyways.

To balance this positive note, I'll present a detracting characteristic. Leather sandals are made of leather. Most of you will not be surprised by this fact, unless you happen to be one of those people that, for some reason, are under the impression that tin cans are made out of aluminum these days. They aren't. Tin cans are still made of tin. Aluminum cans are constructed from aluminum. Leather sandals are much the same way, except that they are made of leather. The reason this is counted among those items that are held in a negative light lies in the fact that leather sandals are often worn without a buffeting layer (socks). This tends, over time, to make one's feet take on a peculiar odor. In the highly descriptive and mostly accurate wording used by my 3 year old daughter, "Poppy, your feet are stinky." As you can see, that can be a problem. While I realize that leather sandals are generally constructed so that there is a greater amount of air circulation available than what you'll find in your run-of-the-mill, whole-foot-encompasing tennis/track/sport/trendy shoe/boot/galoshes/whatever, the very fact that I prefer leather sandals that cover a portion of the toes presents an opportunity for said odor to accumulate, which renders my daughter unable to express herself other than honestly...shorty before she then slumps to the ground, senses reeling.

Well, I can see that I have already covered the third portion of my reflections; that of the fact that sandals provide ventilation in greater abundance that most other varieties of footwear barring flip-flops, which are just silly sandals anyways, and tube-tops, which aren't even footwear except perhaps in remote villages of tropical locations. Nevertheless, additional ventilation to my feet is always a bonus, neglecting the fact that when fresh air finds its way in, it very often then becomes nauseated by the relationship between my foot and the leather of my sandal.

Lastly (unless I choose to violate my self-imposed quadrality) is a balancing negative characteristic related to the property of sandals to provide ventilation. Unfortunately, this same property provides a perfect opportunity for foreign objects to make their way into my footwear and irritate the bejesus out of me. I cannot properly both wear leather sandals (even those that cover a portion of the toes) AND participate in any activity that is located in any of the areas that have the following types of ground: gravel, sand, woodchips, leaves, sticks, freshly-turned earth, low-lying thorns, biting insects, mud or industrial pollution. There are other examples, of course, but most of them are places that I am less likely to visit than any area that would require footgear that protects me from the aforementioned "industrial pollution" and the others have all slipped my mind.

Overall, I prefer my leather sandals over almost any other type of footwear currently available on the open market. They're light, easy to don and undon, and relatively inexpensive. If, in my future, rocket shoes become readily available (and reasonably priced), I may stow my sandals permanently. Until then, my money's on what I've already got.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Roots, the 1st Installment

I find it to be frustrating that, while I am tilling my backyard or maneuvering my vehicle along the Interstate, I can reflect on experiences and philosophical ideas that would reside quite comfortably here amongst my ramblings but am sadly unable to recall said ideas once I am seated at my keyboard.

I had a friend in high school that was afflicted with Parkinson’s. My brother, after several pitchers of beer, once took it upon himself to convince my friend that the disease was “all in his head.” His cure was fairly straightforward and typical of the aggressive and drunken male: he would command my friend in a stern (and rather loud even for a bar) voice to stop shaking. This, of course, only served to exacerbate my friend’s condition, which, in turn, caused my brother to command even more sternly (and loudly). I was privately wondering which would occur first: my friend having a nervous breakdown, or other bar patrons wondering why they were being yelled at to “STOP SHAKING!!”

I was also rather embarrassed. My friend (Eric), at the time, was a 20-something year old kid, kind of quiet and shy. That is, unless he was acting out his main character in AD&D, at which point he presented himself as more daring and confident. It’s kind of like the difference between watching Martha Stewart decorate a mantel with laurels and watching Martha Stewart tear her shirt off, beat her chest and then tackle Steve from the Jerry Springer Show. It was a bit of a change.

Now, take Eric in his non-fantasy manner and sit him at a table in a public location across from my brother Mike. Mike is 6 foot 4 and weighed better than 275 back then. Apparently Fate decided to be cruel to the rest of us and endow Mike with several characteristics that make him most desirable to the women of my home state. Even fully clothed, sober and silent, he’s an imposing figure. Imagine him intoxicated (yet mercifully still fully clothed) and yelling at my already nervously-inclined friend.

I’m certain that Eric could easily identify with the figure of David facing a severely agitated Goliath; not a Goliath that is laughing at David, but one that thinks he’s helping to cure David’s medical condition by yelling at him in a bar. It’s also kind of like a kumquat screaming at an acorn to “stop being such a nut” in front of the other produce.

Did I mention that I joined the Army to get away from home?

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Are you Inappropriate?

In the course of the travels throughout my life, I’ve come across quite a variety of collective social mindsets. Not only have I witnessed cultures completely foreign to most Americans, I’ve been exposed to some that are quite similar to the standard American principles and even subcultures within America itself. Wow. I put 3 “Americas” in that statement, which isn’t something I normally subscribe to. I’d like to think that I’m slightly more inclined to creative expression than resorting to repeating a word in triplicate, but there really isn’t any other way to say “American” without sounding pompous or ridiculous. I’m open to suggestions, though.

Stop trying to change the subject. The point is: Even within these cultures, there are generally very basic actions and responses to situations that are considered to be socially acceptable and appropriate. Granted, when dealing with a group of people with specific special interests, the definition of the appropriateness of an action will be tailored, but there are basically only two ways to interact with your fellow Homo sapiens and I shall categorize them as “Appropriate” and “Inappropriate.”

The following is a test devised mainly for the purpose of determining whether or not you would be able to behave in a manner that wouldn’t result in you being shunned by your peers and mocked in the street by orphan beggar children – the kind that like to throw rocks. I suppose it really wouldn’t matter on the grand scale of thing if the kids were actually orphans or not, but simply saying “beggar children” sounds rather crass. On a positive note, since you obviously live in a place that has computers with internet access, you aren’t likely to be harassed by any of the following: orphan children, beggar children or orphan beggar children. You MIGHT, however, be subject to encounter orphan beggars or even just plain beggars, especially while you wait for your traffic light to turn green.

In any case, answer the following multiple choice questions as honestly as you can and we’ll see if your situational adaptability, creativity and social skills are up to snuff.


Question #1

You are required to attend a weeklong session of schooling in order to maintain your position in your present choice of employment. It isn’t your favorite activity, but it will allow you to progress to a higher pay grade in addition to preventing your removal from your job. Unfortunately, you find yourself drifting off shortly after the instructor has left the room. Suddenly, you are awakened by the instructor’s return. In fact, he has come in through the secondary door, which just happens to be right behind your seat. He knows that you’ve been asleep. YOU know that he knows that you’ve been asleep. You decide to:

(A) Attempt to play it off by lifting your head ever so slightly and quietly intoning, “In your name I pray. Amen,” and proceed to open your eyes.

(B) Open your eyes, grab your pencil and start filling in an answer or two on your worksheet.

(C) Rub your face with one hand and make smacking sounds with your lips for about half a minute and then get out of your chair, look out the window and make an asinine comment about the number of vehicles in the parking lot.

Question #2

You have somehow survived irritating your instructor from Question #1 and it is the final day of your schooling. This is a perfect opportunity to:

(A) Miraculously present your completed assignments and inform the class that your poor performance was simply a gag and that you’ve been secretly doing your work on your own time.

(B) Show up on time, sit quietly and wait for the day to end.

(C) Not show up at all. In fact, the other students in the class begin a betting pool based on what hour you will appear, even though your hotel room (that the school is paying for you) is a mere 10 minutes away. About mid afternoon, the instructor becomes so concerned about your whereabouts and well-being that he actually telephones the hotel, finds out that you are still checked in and asks if the manager would be willing to knock on your door. When they receive no answer, they decide to contact their security and have them open the door only to find that you have the shades drawn and are dead asleep on the bed.

Question #3

You are no longer attending school. Based on your answers above, you might also find yourself no longer attending your job, but that’s irrelevant. It’s Friday night, the bar is full of people your age and you’ve had a few drinks. Suddenly you notice a person that you were somewhat familiar with in high school. She (you are a male) is sitting alone and you decide to strike up a conversation. She’s obviously had a number of drinks as well and seems amiable with your company. Alas! You simply must:

(A) Impress her by showing her the single most impressive card trick you know. You almost always have a preset deck of cards on your person whenever there is a chance that you will be attending a social function such as this.

(B) Engage in light conversation, perhaps reminiscing about your high school days.

(C) Attempt to light a match from a book of them using only one hand. This involves bending the match out of the book until the tip of it reaches the flint striking surface and snapping your fingers so that the match lights. Usually, it might just burn the pad of your thumb a bit, but since you are slightly intoxicated, you put too much strength into the motion and end up popping the still-igniting head off of the match, sending a blazing inferno directly into her lap.

Question #4

Your current job is quite simple: you are in charge of ordering, maintaining and inventorying a trailer full of tools. Generally, the only time you are disturbed is when someone requires a tool ordered, repaired, replaced, signed in or signed out. It’s hot outside most days and though you have an AC unit to help cool you off, things can get fairly boring during the course of a normal eight-hour day. The most appropriate way to pass the time is:

(A) Purchase any number of handheld electronic devices that provide entertainment, such as a DVD player, gaming system, CD player, iPod, etc.

(B) To keep in mind that you are at your place of employment and maintain a vigilance over your assigned dominion.

(C) Lock the only door to the trailer and not answer when your co-workers attempt to retrieve you for lunch break. They can see that you haven’t left already, because there is no padlock on the outside of the door. Repeated calling and knocking receives no response, so they become concerned and jimmy the door open. Inside, they discover that you had procured a canister of industrial-strength glue and had been apparently inhaling the fumes (inside a closed trailer) until they overcame your senses. While that is clearly an unfortunate situation, it becomes slightly more complicated by the fact that, when you did indeed pass out, you managed to knock over and spill the glue across your workstation, firmly bonding the right side of your face to the surface. It takes almost all lunch hour for your co-workers to free you from your predicament.

Now, let’s see how you did. If you answered (A) to any of the questions, give yourself 5 points. For each answer (B), score 3 points. Each (C) garners 1 point. Total them up and check against the ratings below.

For those of you who scored 18 to 20 points, beware! While not totally inappropriate, your creative responses to situations could actually backfire in some cases.

If you totaled from 15 to 17, you have a knack for reacting in socially acceptable ways that can smooth over even serious social gaffes.

Did you come up with something in the 10 to 14 point range? Congratulations, you’re normal. Maybe you’re a bit boring and predictable, but certainly within the acceptable parameters of your society.

Are your responses scoring you from 7 to 9 points? Hmmm. You might want to reflect on your behaviors, champ. You are a borderline social blunder posing as a human being.

Please tell me that you didn’t get 6 points or less. If so, then I’m afraid that “orphan beggar children” are too good for you. Have you ever been to a zoo and seen an animal in its very own cage? More than likely, that animal is unable to cope with the company of its peers. Unfortunately, that same service isn’t available to relieve us of your exceptionally dismal social skills.

Overall, this test isn’t meant to accurately judge your personality. The truth is, these are incidents that I’ve borne witness to that have stuck out in my mind as being good examples of poor choices, especially since the real life answers in all four cases were C. Whether or not I was directly involved in making any of those choices is an entirely different matter…one that I refuse to elaborate on.